Family Conflict

My Sibling Has Power of Attorney and Won't Tell Me Anything

I'm the sibling who holds the power of attorney. My mom signed it not long after her diagnosis, I've handled her money ever since, and my brother has never once asked me for a statement.

So I'm answering this one from the other side of the door, which I think is the useful side. I know exactly how much I'd have to show him if he asked, and how little saying no would prove.

Does a power of attorney have to share information with siblings?

Usually not. The agent's duty runs to your parent, not to you. A power of attorney is a private arrangement between two people, and being the other adult child doesn't make you a party to it.

In most states the agent must produce a record of what came in and went out when a short list of people asks: your parent, a court-appointed guardian or conservator, an agency that protects vulnerable adults, and, after your parent dies, whoever administers the estate. A sibling asking on their own isn't on that list. Where you live, you may not even have the right to read it.

Get a copy and read it anyway, because the document can hand you what the law doesn't. Some obligate the agent to report to named family, or to account every year. That paragraph is worth more than any argument.

Is it a red flag if my sibling won't talk about our parent's money?

By itself, no. Silence is the one signal that looks identical whether your sibling is stealing or just worn out, and reading it as guilt is how families talk themselves into a fight they can't afford.

From outside the accounts, careful caregiving and quiet theft leave the same trace: a balance dropping month after month while one person holds the keys. I've written about how that looks from the accused side. Most people in that position aren't hiding anything. They're tired, they're behind, and being asked to justify a grocery run lands like a punch.

What separates the two isn't willingness to talk. It's what's happening to the money. Watch for ownership changing shape: a name added to a deed or an account, a new beneficiary, a document signed late in the disease. Watch for your parent being kept from the rest of you, or your sibling's finances improving as your parent's decline. Those are the patterns in real exploitation cases. Defensiveness isn't one of them.

What can I do if my sibling has power of attorney?

Three moves, in order: ask in writing, have your parent ask, then ask a court. Most families never get past the first one.

Start with a narrow written question rather than a demand for everything. How is the care being paid for, what does it run a month, is there enough to keep it going. A specific question is harder to brush off than a general suspicion, and either way you've got a dated record of having asked.

If that goes nowhere, your parent's own request is the one with teeth, because the duty runs to them. Capacity is judged at the moment and for the act, so a parent who can't manage a checkbook may still be able to ask their agent a direct question, and to revoke and name someone else.

If neither works, the last door is a court. In states following the uniform law most of the country has adopted, the people allowed to ask a judge to review an agent's conduct include the parent's adult children. You don't have to be the agent or the executor first. You just have to be one of the kids.

How do you get a formal accounting from a power of attorney?

You ask a court to order one. No form you send your sibling compels an answer. The tool exists, but it's a court filing, not a letter.

An accounting is an item-by-item record for a set period: what came in, what went out, to whom, and why, with the statements behind it. If what it shows is bad, a judge can do more than read it. Courts can remove an agent, order money returned, and make the agent cover the cost of the process instead of draining your parent's account to fund it.

The cost is real, and usually comes out of your pocket up front. An elder law attorney will want to see what you've got first. Be honest about what you're buying: the strongest tool available, and the one most likely to end things with your sibling for good. It's for when the money is at risk, not for when being left out stings.

When is this a report instead of a lawsuit?

When you believe your parent is being harmed right now. A report is for protecting the person; a court case is for recovering the money, and they run on completely different timelines.

Every state has an adult protective services agency, and the Eldercare Locator will point you to yours. You don't have to prove anything to report. Investigating is their job, not yours. The bank matters too. Under that same uniform law, a bank can refuse to honor a power of attorney when it suspects the agent is exploiting the person who signed it, and report the suspicion itself. Theft from a vulnerable adult is also a crime, which is a separate call to a separate place.

One caution first. Don't warn your sibling. If you're wrong, you've accused them of a crime and you don't get that back. If you're right, transfers speed up the moment someone knows they're being watched.

Whatever happens with your sibling, do the part that's yours. Find out where your parent's documents are, what accounts exist, and who's named on what, so you're not starting from zero if this lands in your lap. Working that out while you're already behind is most of what the full guide exists to spare you.

Frequently asked questions

Am I entitled to see my parent's power of attorney document?

Not automatically. It's your parent's document, and the bank holding a copy won't hand you one. Your parent can show it to you while they're able, and a copy surfaces if a court gets involved. After your parent dies it ends anyway, and the will takes over.

Can a sibling revoke a power of attorney?

No. Only your parent can revoke one, and only while they still have the capacity to do it. Past that point it takes a court, and what a court grants is a guardianship or conservatorship that supersedes the agent's authority, not an order tearing up the document.

Does my sibling have to pay back what they spent?

Only what a court finds they took for themselves. Money genuinely spent on your parent's care isn't recoverable because you'd have spent it differently, and many documents allow an agent reasonable pay. The question a judge asks is who the spending benefited.

This isn't legal, financial, or medical advice — it's a plain-language account of how this plays out in real families, written from managing my own mom's care and finances since her diagnosis. What an agent must disclose, who may ask a court to review their conduct, how capacity is judged, and what a court can order vary by state and by your parent's own document, and they change over time. Nothing here is a rule to act on as written. Read the document if you can get it, and talk to an elder law attorney in your parent's state before you accuse anyone or file anything.